In my last entry, I dropped a hint to ya'll that maybe I'd toss up my own personal fantasies as examples of what I'm talking about, vis-à-vis the four categories of where crossdreaming fantasies tend to fall. Not only am I terribly shy about doing this, but I'm also terribly eager. So in light of my contradictory impulses, please feel free to share your own in the comments, if you please, so I don't die of stage fright... er, blog fright...?
On the other hand, clothes are the easiest things to talk about. And do I fantasize about clothes? What a dumb question. Let's not even dignify it with a response. But what I will do is go straight to the source, back about twelve years ago when I first began journaling my impressions of being a closeted cross-dresser. I was inspired to write about the seasons and how each of them invoked unique moods which influenced my fashion sense. Just reading over it makes me all wistfully giddy and stuff:
"Autumn, naturally, reminds me of the falling temperatures and the changing of colors. Words like "brisk" and "crisp" serve as delectable onomatopoeia that conjure feelings of warmth and coziness, the smell of burning fires and cooking food. There is an air of domesticity, but also of curling up in comfortable surroundings and being protected in that refuge of solitude. Autumn is suggestive of leisurely activity, passive attention to surroundings and dreaming of the future when things will change back again.
"Ideally, I can picture dressing in tights, a sweater and knee-length skirt, low heels and letting my hair down so it can blow (in all scenarios, I would have at least shoulder length hair). I would like going shopping, but not at the malls. I would prefer a quiet little town with a lot of history where the leaves litter the sidewalks and local stores are run by quiet people whow leave you to your business unless you actually want to buy something. Just to walk silently through the streets and enjoy the freedom would be my planned afternoon, return home and make dinner, kick off my heels and watch a movie under a blanket.
"Winter arrives, very cold and bleak in the country, but very bright, busy and colorful in the city. A sharp edge hangs in the air, almost difficult to breathe but invigorating, as if the oxygen were somehow purer. Bodies are challenged to keep up with the rigors of walking against the wind, letting each gust wash against faces and rub their cheeks red. As winters can sometimes feel lonely, to be near other people can be refreshing and exciting. There is much eating and celebrating, and decorations adorn our homes to compensate for the dreary landscape. Snow and ice falls, decorating the world as well.
"Dinner and the theater! I am close to D.C. where there is the Kennedy Center and other displays of high art. The day would be spent getting dressed in something beautiful and elegant. My hair would be put up in curls, my face made fresh and clean, and the outfit stunning and sensational: a long dress, snug, warm and long sleeved, possibly black but not red, and definitely gold jewelry & strappy heels. There would be a play or musical, and dinner afterward at a nice restaurant. Then wind the evening down with some music and conversation. The entire evening would be filled with the noises of a cold, bustling metropolis, unaware of me but full of welcome cheer.
"Spring, symbol of rebirth and new life awaken the world after its long sleep. Colors begin to bloom. We notice once more that the skies were always blue. The air smells sweet, almost perfumed. Blossoms decorate the trees and land with a fine veil, like lace. Green grass is greener, new leaves are rich with vital water, and rain falls everywhere to add sustenance. Life is fragile - a cold snap could freeze the new leaves and break them off - but all life remains patient and sure that it will survive. The world is admired for its splendor, similar to autumn when we appreciate the beauty for which life was sacrified. Now life is returned, a promise made every year.
"I know I would love to be dressed in pureness. My outfit would be comprised of soft colors, pink, white, subdued purple... any of these would go well together. A low neck top or dress with a short loose skirt, pink nails, straight hair caught behind a head band to hang over my shoulders except for the wisps that I curl into bangs, white hose if my outfit contains white, otherwise nude (or none). Either ankle strap sandals or leather heels, simple jewelry. Since I would love to revel in my attractive and vulnerable state, someplace very public would be ideal. A place to spend time in the open might be a large historic town or some other vast space with many attractions to visit. A daytime tour of the area could be fun (and relatively safe). A light lunch in an outdoor cafe, followed by the trip home before nightfall. In the evening, before heading home, perhaps some shopping and (if I was brave) trying on some clothes... shoes, outfits, perfume samples, etc.
"Summer is simultaneously active and lazy. There is an either/or state of being... either we are lounging or we are doing a lot at once. Days can be filled with visiting places all day long and getting tired, or watching television all day with nothing else in mind. The sun is indifferent, but the weather may be baking one day and then light and breezy the next. Sunlight changes the very colors of our bodies, like skin and hair. Trees are full of rich, green leaves and the skies are dotted with thick puffy clouds. This is nature showing everything it's got. Movie theaters burst with new releases, stores sell all the new products they can. Carnivals spring up in vacant lots overnight. It's the most convenient time to get as much done as we can, even though summer seems to be the shortest season
"The wilder side of my feminine nature emerges. if I go out, I'm dressing up nice. Similar to my winter ideal, this would be a good time to show off, not in the same elegant way but sexy and daring. Heels are too high, the skirt is too short, and the perfume is sweet. Long nails, sensual makeup, full hair and a tight top. I'd spend the day being lazy... doing my nails and hair, watching TV. Later I want to get out with the girls, be beautiful just for myself and have as much fun in a night as I can. Eating out, movies, shopping, all local entertainment. Of course, there are places to go by car, concerts, beach boardwalks, etc. The best thing about a summer fling? Endless possibilities."
...Mm!! Now I'm all hot and bothered. Hopefully I didn't drag you down with me. No pun intended, darlings.
I'm being a bit minimalist in these descriptions. I mean, I have all kinds of different favorite kinds of clothes - stockings with seams up the back, suede skirts, hoop earrings, just to name a few - but this was only to show you how it starts: very small.
Next blog - going public.