Monday, February 27, 2012

All In Your Head

As a psych minor, I enjoy when people talk about their dreams.  The more unusual the better.  It's fun to analyze.  Our dreams are certainly fascinating, like crinkled up road maps to the worlds of our being, which you have to smooth out if you hope to make any sense of them.  Depending on how well I know the dreamer, I'm usually pretty good at it.  On the other hand, sometimes I have no idea what to think when I'm staring into my own tapestry of patchwork thoughts. Ahh, trees, to where didst thy forest disappear?

Daydreams also interest me.  Fantasies are rife with symbolism, and typically a lot more straightforward than our chaotic subconscious - thus, easier to decrypt.  So when it comes to the things I like to imagine in the car or during a long stretch of mind-killing boredom, I'm most confident about what I'm getting at.

As a crossdreamer, I'm all too experienced in the art of fantasy craft.  I've been at it since the single digits of youth and I don't seem to show any signs of growing tired of it.  There has been an evolution, of sorts, and I'd love to regale you with some of my truly dizzying feminization scenarios (and perhaps I will, eventually), but I've got something slightly more encompassing in mind.  I've been using my knack for analysis on the general basis of crossdreaming fantasies, you see, and I'd like to get some of this down before I forget I even cared that much to begin with.

No doubt many of my readers - all 5 of you, the only ones I know of - are familiar with (if not frequent visitors of) the ever-growing caches of story sites such as Fictionmania, where just about any kind of fantasy concerning crossdressing/femulation-derived gratification can be found with relative ease.  Here I must admit to my addiction to such sites over the span of quite a few years.  Not only do I have way more ideas about the things one could possibly allow to happen to oneself in the name of feminine indulgence, but I've personalized many of those fantasies to fit my own desires.  As a modest unpublished writer I've even considered committing a few of my own imaginings to document form and submitting them.  However, since I'm a bit of a snob, I honestly didn't want my first ever publicized works to take the shape of glorified fetish porn (that, and I don't readily enjoy the idea of strangers potentially masturbating to the rhythm of my girly thoughts.*)

Peace, darlings, for neither judge nor advocate am I now.  I've chosen to abstain from these places of virtual cosseting, ever since I decided to seek gender satisfaction in the realm of actuality... as opposed to the fictional universe where anything can happen but never truly does.  As it stands, I've seen the sugar-sweet haze of the fondest of cross-feminine wishes and I've discerned the common threads that connect them in the most telling of ways. Let's see, what shall we start with...?

Clothes

Yep, it's a gimme.  Duh!  Of course, one of the first things a crossdreamer begins to fantasize about is the wearing of clothes.  We saw the women we wished we could be, noting first off how uniquely & expressively feminine their apparel makes them, how their choice of fashion seemed to accentuate the way they felt as women... ohh, yes, just the first stop on a long train ride into Girl World!  At this point, it wasn't long before we next started envying their hair, their nails, the way they got to wear makeup and jewelry and have pierced ears and... and...

"Wait, what?  I can't dress like that?  Walk like that, talk like that, do any of those things because of the way I was born?  Ohhh, SO not fair!!!"  But them's social rules, and to fight them you'd have to break them.  With the line drawn thusly and you choosing sides, life becomes so much more difficult - no matter which side you pick!  Become an outcast among your family and friends, or live in quiet desperation.

If only someone loved you for you.  If only there were someone who liked the feminine you...!


Accomplices

If only... that girl - the one who likes to wear skirts a lot and does her bangs in this cute way you've envied ever since she walked into the same class you've been taking together - if only she knew how badly you wanted to be female.  If anyone could teach you how to look your best and put together dynamite outfits and go shopping with you, it'd be someone like her.  And if you didn't think she'd shriek and make a disgusted face and embarrass you in front of everyone after you managed to find the guts to tell her, you both could be friends for life.  Girlfriends, even... maybe...?

Ah, well.  Turns out, even the broadest of female minds aren't as interested in our feminine side as we'd like them to be.  Sure, they can be all for gender equality, freedom of expression, tolerance, etc. but unless you're already friends with a lady in whom you're comfortable confiding, that smart, charismatic fashionista you admire so much isn't usually interested in a relationship with a tranny.  No sense getting all indignant, since after all it is a free country, right?  She's just not that into youuu...'re appreciation for high heeled shoes.

"Well, okay. Then what if I tell my closest girl friends about who I am inside?  Maybe they'll be interested in getting to know me better that way!"  That could work.  Then again, it might blow up in your face, alienating someone who you thought you could trust and sending ripples of awkward emotions in all directions.  But whatever, it's still a dream worth having: girlfriends who share their years of experience with you, coaxing the shy little debutante that you are out of her man-shell, forming a bond that never feels quite complete unless Little Miss You comes out to play once in awhile. *happy sigh!*


Coercion

The next inevitable phase, and the darker side of "Accomplices."  For some of us (yes, I include myself), this is where we settle for hoping that if we can't get society to accept us as cross-gendered "peers," then they'll appreciate the idea of having us play the part of women against our will.  A bit backwards, I know, but bear with me.

Part of being a woman, from the male perspective, includes degrees of submission.  This is not to say that we trans-people think of women as weak and fragile, bending to the whims of a male-dominated culture... oh, anything but!  Even so - I'm not gonna lie - most women like it that way.  They like being taken care of and having a variety of decisions made on their behalf.  At least, the majority of the chicks in my social circle claim to enjoy take-charge kind of guys; it's a major turn-on for many women.

Apart from them stand many of us among the gender-variant, who pick up on that submissive vibe and, indulgently, focus on it to the point of training themselves to be not only super-subservient in their feminine persona but also becoming sexually attracted to the idea of being enslaved.  This would seem to oppose the true spirit of feminism, but again, we're at a stage where desperation, social frustration and sexual repression collide at the developmental intersection.

So if you're sure that everyone would just totally freak the hell out if they knew about your secret wardrobe and your desire to step into the role of woman now and again, the only way you're going to get what you want is if someone has an idea - "Wouldn't it be fun if we dressed you as a girl??"  It can happen.  It does happen.  Halloween is a great time for girlfriends to get the mad glint in their eye that says, "My lover, I think it's time you were treated to a Barbie-style makeover."  Consider the fabled Dare (or better yet, the hastily placed Bet!), a spoken contract into that a crossdreamer might enter which, if played right, can place them directly into a binding obligation to allow one or more lady friends to pretty them up to heart's content.

Also, let us not forget the submissive crossdreamer's ultimate dream: Doms.  Real, actual people roaming this world who thoroughly enjoy feminizing and controlling people like us.  Herein lies the potential for a win/win scenario.  But is it worth it?  To trade freedom for the privilege of haing a relationship with someone who will take advantage of their every feminine desire and enforce their complete devotion to it?  To many crossdreamers, it certainly is.  Doms, however, aren't what you call "dime a dozen."  They're a special kind of person, and rare enough that they have no use for the myriad desperate cross-dressers throwing themselves at their feet.  That's right, as fantastic as this situation might be it requires ultimate dedication and sacrifice, which kind of defeats the purpose of a fantasy when you can't snap out of it any time you want.  Or... well, I guess that's the point, isn't it?  A fantasy that never ends... *dreamy sigh!*

Anyway, the further we delve the more we see that the scarcity of people who want to see us en femme becomes depressingly evident.  Most of us are dreamers, however, and we're not prone to giving up.  So we tune the channels of our imagination to more fanciful stations, giving up on reality altogether and letting our hearts run free...

Magical Mystery

"Screw waiting around for my girlfriend to dress me up in her clothes and make me go with her friends to the movies!  If I had three wishes from a magic lamp, I wouldn't have to wait..."

Eventually, the fantasy/sci-fi lover in all of us takes the helm of our daydreams, bearing a map with edges which we then sail right over into the bright, yawning sky of impossibility.  Maybe this is a euphemism for "settling" but... whatever.  Since we're waiting around thinking of ways for the ridiculously unlikely to occur, we may as well step on the gas.  Twists of fate, wishing wells, gypsy curses, wizard spells.  Well, damn, let's throw a little pretend science in there, what say?  What if I got hit by an alien ray that amplifies my bosoms, makes all my boy hair fall out, and raises my voice into a tremulous womanly pitch?  Oh! How about I wake up one day and my wife and I have swapped physical genders?  Yeah, baby!  If I'm going to live the life of desperation, it'll be TO THE HILT.**




*Big breath*  Alrighty, then. That's the way I see it.  I do enjoy breaking things down and categorizing them according to characteristics, so this has been fun and enlightening for me.  Hopefully you got something out of it.

For my next post, I'll toss up several examples of my own fantasies, correlating to the subjects listed above.  Feel free to follow my lead.

~HCP



* come on, don't try to pretend this doesn't actually happen
** eventually, this may lead to voluntary cosplay, a valid form of expression in certain circles where cross-dressing is commonplace, perhaps ultimately a back door one might take which leads to the kind of peace we're all looking for... but don't quote me

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