Free Form Fantasy pt. 1: Clothes

In my last entry, I dropped a hint to ya'll that maybe I'd toss up my own personal fantasies as examples of what I'm talking about, vis-à-vis the four categories of where crossdreaming fantasies tend to fall.  Not only am I terribly shy about doing this, but I'm also terribly eager.  So in light of my contradictory impulses, please feel free to share your own in the comments, if you please, so I don't die of stage fright... er, blog fright. (?)

On the other hand, clothes are the easiest things to talk about.  And do I fantasize about clothes?  What a dumb question.  Let's not even dignify it with a response.  But what I will do is go straight to the source, back about twelve years ago when I first began journaling my impressions of being a closeted cross-dresser.  I was inspired to write about the seasons and how each of them invoked unique moods which influenced my fashion sense.  Just reading over it makes me all wistfully giddy and stuff:

"Autumn, naturally, reminds me of the falling temperatures and the changing of colors. Words like "brisk" and "crisp" serve as delectable onomatopoeia that conjure feelings of warmth and coziness, the smell of burning fires and cooking food.  There is an air of domesticity, but also of curling up in comfortable surroundings and being protected in that refuge of solitude.  Autumn is suggestive of leisurely activity, passive attention to surroundings and dreaming of the future when things will change back again.

 "Ideally, I can picture dressing in tights, a sweater and knee-length skirt, low heels and letting my hair down so it can blow (in all scenarios, I would have at least shoulder length hair).  I would like going shopping, but not at the malls.  I would prefer a quiet little town with a lot of history where the leaves litter the sidewalks and local stores are run by quiet people who leave you to your business unless you actually want to buy something.  Just to walk silently through the streets and enjoy the freedom would be my planned afternoon, return home and make dinner, kick off my heels and watch a movie under a blanket.

"Winter arrives, very cold and bleak in the country, but very bright, busy and colorful in the city.  A sharp edge hangs in the air, almost difficult to breathe but invigorating, as if the oxygen were somehow purer.  Bodies are challenged to keep up with the rigors of walking against the wind, letting each gust wash against faces and rub their cheeks red.  As winters can sometimes feel lonely, to be near other people can be refreshing and exciting.  There is much eating and celebrating, and decorations adorn our homes to compensate for the dreary landscape.  Snow and ice falls, decorating the world as well.

"Dinner and the theater!  I am close to D.C. where there is the Kennedy Center and other displays of high art.  The day would be spent getting dressed in something beautiful and elegant.  My hair would be put up in curls, my face made fresh and clean, and the outfit stunning and sensational: a long dress, snug, warm and long sleeved, possibly black but not red, and definitely gold jewelry & strappy heels.  There would be a play or musical, and dinner afterward at a nice restaurant.  Then wind the evening down with some music and conversation.  The entire evening would be filled with the noises of a cold, bustling metropolis, unaware of me but full of welcome cheer.

"Spring, symbol of rebirth and new life awaken the world after its long sleep.  Colors begin to bloom.  We notice once more that the skies were always blue.  The air smells sweet, almost perfumed.  Blossoms decorate the trees and land with a fine veil, like lace.  Green grass is greener, new leaves are rich with vital water, and rain falls everywhere to add sustenance.  Life is fragile - a cold snap could freeze the new leaves and break them off - but all life remains patient and sure that it will survive.  The world is admired for its splendor, similar to autumn when we appreciate the beauty for which life was sacrified.  Now life is returned, a promise made every year.

"I know I would love to be dressed in pureness.  My outfit would be comprised of soft colors, pink, white, subdued purple... any of these would go well together.  A low neck top or dress with a short loose skirt, pink nails, straight hair caught behind a head band to hang over my shoulders except for the wisps that I curl into bangs, white hose if my outfit contains white, otherwise nude (or none).  Either ankle strap sandals or leather heels, simple jewelry.  Since I would love to revel in my attractive and vulnerable state, someplace very public would be ideal.  A place to spend time in the open might be a large historic town or some other vast space with many attractions to visit.  A daytime tour of the area could be fun (and relatively safe).  A light lunch in an outdoor cafe, followed by the trip home before nightfall.  In the evening, before heading home, perhaps some shopping and (if I was brave) trying on some clothes... shoes, outfits, perfume samples, etc.

"Summer is simultaneously active and lazy.  There is an either/or state of being... either we are lounging or we are doing a lot at once.  Days can be filled with visiting places all day long and getting tired, or watching television all day with nothing else in mind.  The sun is indifferent, but the weather may be baking one day and then light and breezy the next.  Sunlight changes the very colors of our bodies, like skin and hair.  Trees are full of rich, green leaves and the skies are dotted with thick puffy clouds.  This is nature showing everything it's got.  Movie theaters burst with new releases, stores sell all the new products they can.  Carnivals spring up in vacant lots overnight.  It's the most convenient time to get as much done as we can, even though summer seems to be the shortest season
 of all.

"The wilder side of my feminine nature emerges.  if I go out, I'm dressing up nice.  Similar to my winter ideal, this would be a good time to show off, not in the same elegant way but sexy and daring.  Heels are too high, the skirt is too short, and the perfume is sweet.  Long nails, sensual makeup, full hair and a tight top.  I'd spend the day being lazy... doing my nails and hair, watching TV.  Later I want to get out with the girls, be beautiful just for myself and have as much fun in a night as I can.  Eating out, movies, shopping, all local entertainment.  Of course, there are places to go by car, concerts, beach boardwalks, etc.  The best thing about a summer fling?  Endless possibilities."

...Mm!!  Now I'm all bothered.  Hopefully I didn't drag you down with me.  (No pun intended, darlings.)

I'm being a bit minimalist in these descriptions.  I mean, I have all kinds of different favorite kinds of clothes - stockings with seams up the back, suede skirts, hoop earrings, just to name a few - but this was only to show you how it starts: very small.

Next blog - going public.

~HCP

All In Your Head

As a psych minor, I enjoy when people talk about their dreams.  The more unusual the better.  It's fun to analyze.  Our dreams are certainly fascinating, like crinkled up road maps to the worlds of our being, which you have to smooth out if you hope to make any sense of them.  Depending on how well I know the dreamer, I'm usually pretty good at it.  On the other hand, sometimes I have no idea what to think when I'm staring into my own tapestry of patchwork thoughts. Ahh, trees, to where didst thy forest disappear?

Daydreams also interest me.  Fantasies are rife with symbolism, and typically a lot more straightforward than our chaotic subconscious - thus, easier to decrypt.  So when it comes to the things I like to imagine in the car or during a long stretch of mind-killing boredom, I'm most confident about what I'm getting at.

As a crossdreamer, I'm all too experienced in the art of fantasy craft.  I've been at it since the single digits of youth and I don't seem to show any signs of growing tired of it.  There has been an evolution, of sorts, and I'd love to regale you with some of my truly dizzying transformation scenarios (and perhaps I will, eventually), but I've got something slightly more encompassing in mind.  I've been using my knack for analysis on the general basis of crossdreaming fantasies, you see, and I'd like to get some of this down before I forget I even cared that much to begin with.

As it stands, I've browsed the sugar-sweet haze of the fondest of cross-feminine wishes and I've discerned the common threads that connect them in the most telling of ways. Let's see, what shall we start with...?

Clothes

Yep, it's a gimme.  Duh!  Of course, one of the first things a crossdreamer begins to fantasize about is the wearing of clothes.  We saw the women we wished we could be, noting first off how uniquely & expressively feminine their apparel makes them, how their choice of fashion seemed to accentuate the way they felt as women... ohh, yes, just the first stop on a long train ride into Girl World! At this point, it wouldn't be long before we next started envying their hair, their nails, the way they got to wear makeup and jewelry and have pierced ears.

"Wait, what?  I can't dress like that?  Walk like that, talk like that, do any of those things because of the way I was born?  Wow, SO not fair!!!"  But them's social rules, and to fight them you'd have to break them.  With the line drawn thusly and you choosing sides, life becomes so much more difficult - no matter which side you pick!  Become an outcast among your family and friends, or live in quiet desperation.

If only someone loved you for you.  If only there were someone who liked the feminine you...

Accomplices

If only... that girl - the one who likes to wear skirts a lot, and does her bangs in this cute way you've envied ever since she walked into the same class you've been taking together - if only she knew how badly you wanted to be female.  If anyone could teach you how to look your best and put together dynamite outfits and go shopping with you, it'd be someone like her.  And if you didn't think she'd shriek and make a disgusted face and embarrass you in front of everyone after you managed to find the guts to tell her, you both could be friends for life!  Girlfriends, even... maybe?

Ah, well.  Turns out, even the broadest of female minds aren't as interested in our feminine side as we'd like them to be.  Sure, they can be all for gender equality, freedom of expression, tolerance, etc. but unless you're already friends with a lady, in whom you're comfortable confiding, that smart, charismatic fashionista you admire so much isn't usually interested in a relationship with a crossdreamer.  No sense getting all indignant, since after all it is a free country, right?  She's just not that into youuu...'re appreciation for high heeled shoes.

"Well, okay. Then what if I tell my closest girl friends about who I am inside?  Maybe they'll be interested in getting to know me better that way!"  That could work.  Then again, it might blow up in your face, alienating someone who you thought you could trust and sending ripples of awkward emotions in all directions.  But whatever, it's still a dream worth having: girlfriends who share their years of experience with you, coaxing the shy little debutante that you are out of her boy-shell, forming a bond that never feels quite complete unless Little Miss You comes out to play once in awhile. *happy sigh!*

Coercion

The next inevitable phase, and the darker side of "Accomplices."  For some of us (yes, I include myself), this is where we settle for hoping that if we can't get society to accept us as cross-gendered "peers," then they'll appreciate the idea of having us play the part of women against our will.  A bit backwards, I know, but bear with me.

Part of being a woman, from the male perspective, includes degrees of submission.  This is not to say that we trans-people think of women as weak and fragile, bending to the whims of a male-dominated culture... oh, anything but!  Even so - and I'm only going to repeat what I've heard - most women like it that way.  They like being taken care of and having a variety of decisions made on their behalf.  The majority of the ladies in my social circles claim to enjoy take-charge kind of guys.  It's a major turn-on for many women.

Apart from them stand those of us among the gender-variant, who pick up on that submissive vibe and, indulgently, focus on it to the point of training themselves to be not only super-subservient in their feminine persona but also becoming sexually attracted to the idea of being subjugated.  This would seem to oppose the true spirit of feminism, but again, we're at a stage where desperation, social frustration and sexual repression collide at the developmental intersection.

So if you're sure that everyone would just totally freak the hell out if they knew about your secret wardrobe and your desire to step into the role of woman now and again, the only way you're going to get what you want is if someone else gets the same idea - "Wouldn't it be fun if we dressed you as a girl??"

It can happen.  It does happen.

Halloween is a great time for girlfriends to get the mad glint in their eye that says, "My lover, I think it's time you were treated to a fashion makeover."  Consider the fabled Dare (or better yet, the hastily placed Bet!), a spoken contract into that a crossdreamer might enter which, if played right, can place them directly into a binding obligation to allow one or more lady friends to pretty them up to heart's content.

Also, let us not forget the submissive crossdreamer's ultimate dream: Domination.  Believe it or not, there are real, actual people roaming this world who thoroughly enjoy feminizing and controlling people like us.  Herein lies the potential for a win/win scenario.  But... is it worth it?  To trade freedom for the privilege of having a relationship with someone who takes advantage of our every feminine desire and enforces our complete devotion to it?  To many crossdreamers, it certainly is.  Doms, however, aren't what you call "dime a dozen."  They're a special kind of person, and rare enough that they have no use for the myriad desperate cross-dressers throwing themselves at their feet.  That's right, as fantastic as this situation might be it requires ultimate dedication and sacrifice, which kind of defeats the purpose of a fantasy when you can't snap out of it any time you want.  Or... well, I guess that's the point, isn't it?  A fantasy that never ends, whether you want it to or not!?

Anyway, the longer we search the more we learn of the scarcity of people who want to see us en femme.  It's depressing.  Most of us are dreamers, however, and we're not prone to giving up.  So we tune the channels of our imagination to more fanciful stations, giving up on reality altogether and letting our hearts run free...

Magical Mystery

"Screw waiting around for my girlfriend to dress me up in her clothes and make me go with her friends to the movies!  If I had three wishes from a magic lamp, I wouldn't have to wait..."

Eventually, the fantasy/sci-fi lover in all of us takes the helm of our daydreams, wielding a map with definite borders, which we then sail right over into the bright, yawning sky of impossibility.  Maybe this is a euphemism for "settling" but... whatever.  Since we're waiting around thinking of ways for the ridiculously unlikely to occur, we may as well step on the gas.  Twists of fate, wishing wells, gypsy curses, wizard spells.  Well, damn, let's throw a little pretend science in there, what say?  What if I got hit by an alien ray that amplifies my bosoms, makes all my boy hair fall out, and raises my voice into a tremulous womanly pitch?  Or... Oh! How about I wake up one day and my wife and I have swapped physical genders?  Yeah, baby!  If I'm going to live the life of desperation, it'll be TO THE HILT.**

~ • ~ • ~ • ~

/big breath/  Alrighty, then.  That's the way I see it.  I do enjoy breaking things down and categorizing them according to characteristics, so this has been fun and enlightening for me.  Hopefully you got something out of it.

For my next post, I'll toss up several examples of my own fantasies, correlating to the subjects listed above.  Feel free to follow my lead.

~HCP

* come on, don't try to pretend this doesn't actually happen
** eventually, this may lead to voluntary cosplay, a valid form of expression in certain circles where cross-dressing is commonplace, perhaps ultimately a back door one might take which leads to the kind of peace we're all looking for (but don't quote me)

Two Minds of the Same Whole Part of the Half

Altogether now: belly laugh!  That's right, I'm a slacker.  But what's most important is that I was right about being a slacker.  I called it!  "Won't last until February," I said.  However, I was going to give myself a little more credit than "Won't even make it to 2012."

Ever the optimist... ever the renegotiator...

I'm coming atcha tonight in the seclusion of my comfy basement.  The ever-loving spouse is spending the night an hour and a half away from here and will return again tomorrow.  And so despite the dozens of other way more important things I have to do, I'm going to type up a little bit of news out of Holli World.  Even though, honestly, I really don't want to.  I'm tired, sleepy even, a bit distracted, and I seem to be having trouble putting everything I actually have to say in cohesive order.  But if not now, when?

Sooooo... Sunday night.  Yes.  Erica and I had, officially, the most horrible conversation about my gender issues ever.  It wasn't loud, nor did it in any way resemble an argument.  There was a bit of a return to the subject of my long hair and how it was "driving a wedge" into our marriage, and "What do you hope to gain?" or "What do you think is going to happen if you wait around long enough, some sign from heaven, or whatever?"  And what I wanted to say was all of the stuff I wrote down in my last segment.  Well, some of it sort of got said.  A few main ideas.  Not in so many words.

To tell the truth, it could have gone better.  We talked about how each of us is dealing with some pretty severe emotional needs issues right now, prompting me to mutter, "I'm having a hard time deciding which one of us needs therapy the most."  Soon after, I made an attempt to sum up my feelings about what I believe I need.  The effect was diminished by the subtle undertones of "crazy" that I'd let creep in...

I told Erica that I believed I had two genders - one physical body, but two genders (important distinction there) - and that a part of me is emotionally starved - my feminine ego - because it receives no love.  I then made mention of such phenomena as genetic chimeras, made a bit of a philosophical pass on the topic of souls ("Would it be possible for two souls to reside in a single body?") and concluded that sometimes I wonder if part of me was really supposed to be someone else entirely.

After all of this was said, after a bit of silence, she replied, "I think you win. You definitely need the therapy more than me."

"By that, do you mean 'That's a lot more that he's going through than I ever would have expected,'" I asked, "or do you mean, "He's absolutely insane and needs professional help'?"

"Yes," she said.

It was meant to be a joke... she later told me.  Unfortunately, friends, Erica's jokes don't always hit home.  For those close moments that followed, it looked like she'd lost all faith in me, or the possibility of seeing this through to a rational conclusion.  I could have sworn I actually heard a string snap, like something big suspended overhead had just lost an important element of support.  It's as close as I've ever been to being stunned silent.

Maybe I'll get to the rest of that well-worded epiphany of mine some other time.  Sooner would be better than later, but I've been all about nailing the timing.  I trust that it will work out in the end. Like my sister-in-law loves to say, "It'll be alright in the end; it's not alright, so it's not the end."

Ever the optimist... ever the sucker...

~HCP