Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Found Wanting

So we were in bed last weekend - my wife and I - and she asked me, "What do you want?"  There have already been a dozen iterations of this query, mainly in reference to my need for the freedom to look and act like a woman every now and then, and none of the answers have ever been to her satisfaction.  This time was shaping up like the rest as I attempted to explain myself, since all my words fell short of superb revelation.  I sounded like I was just making up stuff, which isn't exactly true.  I was just...unprepared.  Knowing exactly how you feel and being able to sum up those feelings with the perfect words are two different concepts.  I tend to irritate her that way.

My wife - let's call her Erica - vented frustration at not being able to understand me, and by extension at being unable to help me.  I apologized, sleepily, willing to postpone shaky progress for the sake of clarity on some other day.  We both rolled over, the matter unsettled, and went to sleep.  My last words were, "I guess I didn't think this through."  And that sort of bothered me more than "not getting what I wanted."  Not even knowing what I wanted was like defending a lie, somehow.

I like to believe I think things through.  This is a brave claim from someone who enjoys the nature of random selection and favors spontaneity in all her creative endeavors, but I'm serious.  When a thing is important, it deserves deep analysis.  God.  Life & death.  The significance of the soul.  Why the hell a person can't get a grip on their personal dichotomous gender issues after thirty years.  You know, the core values of existence.

Falling in line with "Things I Hope To Achieve By Running A Blog" is this exactly: thinking out loud.  I want to use it to make myself more clear to people who want to know what I'm searching for, even though Erica is the only one I ever talk to anymore regarding my girlie issues.  Ironically, I don't plan to let her know I've set myself up out here on the web (I'll explain this madness later), but if I have a place to dump all my thoughts then I have a shot at sorting them out in real time.  I guess that's my main motivation.

That, and I have nowhere else to go.  It's just you and me, Internet.  At least until someone else shows up.

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