Wednesday, December 28, 2011

New Resolve

I am so predictable.  If you know anything about me, I mean.

It's almost the New Year.  If there is anything you can double your money on, it's by betting on me trying to kickstart something I let gather dust some time during the year, especially when the Annual Glorious New Beginning rolls around.  Well, I'll see that bet and raise you odds that I don't last to February.  (Good luck collecting if I lose, by the way...)

Despite my absence from my sparse little blog site, there has been a lot of roller coaster-esque activity happening up in my thought box.  There's just no room to explain it all, no time to really organize what I've been feeling, to describe the rare moments of clarity where I almost think I know who I am and what I need to do to actualize who I need to be, or how many times I've noticed contradictions, redundancies, and sudden U-turns that change my way of thinking. But what it comes down to (and here you may notice the hint of a theme taking form) is that I'm so. damn. lonely.

It's the cruelest of ironies that anyone who sits square on a serious truth can be surrounded by people who love her, and yet feel completely isolated because she can't reveal about herself what she so desperately wants to.  I've felt this deeply these past months.  I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about it.  Maybe nothing, which is typical.  Maybe something.

My dear Erica is always* asking me, "What do you want?"  My answers have always been lacking in conviction and clarity. Well, I finally forced myself to answer than damnable question.  The following is something I've been hammering out for a month or so, and which will be brought up the very next time I'm asked:

    "All my life, my feminine self image has been shaped by my own perceptions.  I've decided that it's overall counterwise to continue letting this state of isolation deepen. Having a feminine persona existing along side my masculine identity has always been about me.  When it's no longer just about me - when I can say that someone is genuinely, willingly, and positively communicating with my feminine identity - then I will be able to move forward.  Until then, I'm afraid there will be no progress.

    "It's not about getting what I want; it's about embracing the truth, coming to terms with its nature.  The alternative is to push it down & lock it away, in which there is no salvation - more like reckless abandon enabled by the drug of denial.

    "What I suffer from isn't a delusion, or misconception; I know what I am, and what I am not. What plagues me is the emptiness, the echo of my lonely voice as I speak out loud to nobody but myself. I lack the affirmation I need.  People do not grow by heeding the wisdom of themselves; "iron sharpens iron" as it is written.  Everyone requires some external recognition, some form of acknowledgment of what one is, whether in the physical or emotional realms, or both. The gift of constructive, well-thought out perspective widens one's credible understanding of what a thing is.  Again, this isn't just what I wish for, it's what I need."

I'm sure it needs work. I'll obviously need to provide a few more details when I open my mouth to confess all of this.  Not that there's anyone checking up on my little corner of cyberspace these days, but if any passerby cares to pare down my thought processes with a few well-intentioned questions, I would be most appreciative.

But yes... I'm lonely, and tired of it, especially when there's no real need for secrecy amongst people who love me.  Will Erica respond well to this declaration?  Not likely.  That is, she'll take it in, then leave me to deal with these thoughts on my own.  But at least she won't shoot me down.  And she's never come close to wishing she could divorce me (I believe).  Which is what I keep telling myself is the true victory - ultimate commitment.

I just need a bit more than that: Compassion... Empathy... And for her to demonstrate the grace to let others step up to provide these if she finds that she can't.

And soon... please, dear.


*Well, not always.  We don't really speak about my feminine identity anymore.  I'm only saying this used to be her number one question.

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