Clothing Optional

There are several things I love/hate about Pinterest - that is to say, which vex me but I can't really complain about.  For instance, Pinterest knows what I'm looking at and enjoys herding me down channels of mini-obsession.  It knows I like shoes and outfits, but it likes to suggest exotic lingerie, short tight skirts and (!!?) light bondage wear.  Pinterest is trying to turn me into a little slut.

Also, when it comes to pinning I'm just a cheerful ball of compliance, enjoying everything I see so much I don't even know if I've already saved it two or three times.  The more time I spend ogling girly things, the happier Pinterest is.

It's ultimate goal: replicating my brain with pixels and creating a digital
copy of myself, who will finally appreciate all the effort its making.

What plagues me most of all isn't really down to Pinterest itself, but the lack of harmony between my virtual closet and my personal set of existential desires, which my Pinterest boards represent.  The bane of my transgender used to be department stores, where I still conceal my jealousy and yearning as I pass by shop windows full of feminine wonder; now I don't even have to leave home to experience this dysphoria!

I stepped through the barrier of female-exclusive consumerism in college, when (with the emotional support of my bestie, Angel) I bought my first outfit: a short sleeve purplish lavender body suit & button-up denim mini from thrift, and my first ever pair of black high heels (MY heels, all mine!) from Payless.  It's funny now, how I think back on those choices and roll my eyes at how cheap, how tawdry these particular clothes were... I mean, today I do own a denim mini, several body suits and black heels, only they're much more tasteful.  But those were first steps, the first time I'd ever worn clothes that were based on my tastes, my choices, my identity, not just borrowing from someone else's, so I value that turning point.

Currently, my wardrobe consists of a decent variety of styles for nearly every occasion, from casual to dressy.  I've previously mentioned how I could last a few weeks using this set of clothes without needing a wash day.  For someone who doesn't leave the house, it's practical, pleasing, and reflective of my personal feminine image.  I have nothing to complain about.

Except...

I reeeeaaaaallly want more clothes!  I can't help it, and I probably wouldn't help it if I had the choice.  I love to dress up.  When I'm Kris, I don't give much thought to what I wear or what people think of me - jeans and t-shirts, that's the life for me.  (And don't get me started on the masochistic lunacy of NECK TIES as a masculine fashion tradition!)  Guys have a simpler fashion palette, and that's just fine.  As a woman, however, I require special considerations in the clothes I wear, such as intricacy, appeal, variation, and distinct muliebrity.

I bet they didn't put THIS word in your SATs!

Therefore, If I ever find myself a sugar momma willing to bankroll my softer side, I have a list of wardrobe improvements* I'd like to make:

1) Breasts

Let's start with a very basic need which supersedes attire.  I'm absolutely weary of not having breasts to fill out my bra. I hate going about my business and having to push my chest back down every ten minutes or so, due to lack of fundamental weight that defines the point of even wearing a bra.  Do any women have Floating Bosom Syndrome?  Not according to Google, they don't.  Ridiculous!

In short: I want to wear bras, so give me the means to justify them.  (Synthetic, please.  I'm not in the least prepared to explain to the world why I decided to spring for implants.)

2) Lingerie

If a girl's outfit could be compared to a work of architecture, then underwear is the foundation.  Perhaps no one can see it, but it makes a world of difference to what we see on the outside.  The right kind of underwear can inspire confidence, improve one's demeanor, or just be a feel-good part of your day.

I want a drawerful of matching bra & panty sets.  I need a variety of stockings with garter belts, and a selection of patterned tights (and basic colors, too).  Another drawer must be filled with lacy chemises, teddies & silky negligees.  Bustiers would be a lovely addition, and (since we're talking) I've always wanted to try corsets.  (And if we're venturing into dedicated preferences, I'll confess that I won't say no to the odd bit of intimate leather and metal, if such apparel does indeed exist.  I'm sure I wouldn't know...)

I'm not sure how to classify body suits, but they turn up in every search for "lingerie," even though you can wear them visibly as part of an ensemble.  They're tight little shapers that help keep nether bits snug, support the chest, and slim contours. I have four pair myself, two solid and two striped, and they are unparalleled for bringing my femme to the fore.  Simply magnificent. So I'm just going to leave this here...

3) Dresses

Say what you want about the liberties women enjoy to wear whatever they want, but I'll insist there is no happier expression of feminine spirit than the essential dress.  It's a do-it-all kind of piece, decorating the shoulders, neck, bosom, back and waist, then cascading from the hips down with a gender-exclusive signature look that cannot be replicated.  Examining the last century, decade by decade, makes me fall in love with dresses and how they've evolved, convincing me they're never going away, and thank God for that.  I would wear a different dress every single day.

4) Skirts, Pants & Tops

I feel like I have to put these together, because even though tops may be worn with pants, you can't have a skirt without tops.  (The censors just won't have it, I'm sorry.)  Also, the combinations are infinite.  Also also, you MUST coordinate - this skirt with that camisole, those slacks with that shirt, these jeans with a peasant blouse, etc. etc.  That said, I love options.  Female clothing offers a myriad ways to communicate mood, style and personality for every occasion.  Fill my closet with such options, and I'll be downright giddy.

5) Shoes

I've already been over shoes, but it bears repeating in such a list as mine.  I will most certainly wear: High heels, sandals, flats, Mary Janes, wedges, ankle boots, knee high boots (not cowboy, thanks).  I love bows, buckles, ankle straps, peep toes, platforms, sneakers, lace-ups and tie-ons.  Basically, just look up my Pinterest board "Well Heeled" and make that list a reality.

6) Jewelry

There's a fashion rule, that before a lady leaves the house, she should remove one piece of jewelry.  This leads me to believe that women have a tendency to over-accesorize, which may not be a problem for me.  I'm seriously not sure how much of a jewelry girl I really am.  I suspect having bits and bobs dangling all over my person might drive me nuts after a while, especially since I work with my hands so much that rings and bracelets might become a nuisance, even an impediment.  That said, I wouldn't turn away a generous sampling of bling.  Necklaces and bangles are nice, and anklets, and armlets.  Maybe chokers.  What I'm absolutely in love with is the earrings (which is saying a lot, for somebody with no pierced ears).  Danglies, hoops, studs... I'm just saying, if you sat me down in a chair and popped two holes in the lobe & one on the outside (left & right) then I wouldn't likely complain much.**

 ~            *           ~            *             ~          *            ~           *            ~

They say clothes make the person, which is just a cryptic way of saying "You are what you wear."  Maybe that's so, but even if you don't actually wear the clothes I believe preferences count as intentions.  Despite the clothes, of course, I must still use a bit of imagination and ingenuity to make the look work for me.  Just as well, since I'm not generally trying to impress anybody but myself.

Also, a girl can always dream.
And she does, mon cher... she does!

-- HCP

*setting aside, for the moment, the basic need for extra space, time and interpersonal attention that having an expansive wardrobe demands.  They say you can't have it all. Well... who the hell asked "them," anyway?

**I bet piercing stings, at least a little, so I probably WOULD complain.

Holli's Universal Wish List of the Nigh-Impossible

Do you ever find yourself in the position of longing for things you will never, ever obtain no matter how long you hold your breath or stretch your fingers with fervent yearning?  Chances are good.  It's a common trait in human beings, wanting what we can't have, breaking our necks to reverse the polarity of truth defining our predicament.  Some of us are realistic and choose to settle.  Others damn the torpedoes and go for broke, accepting any and all casualties in the melee kicked up by our unruly defiance.

I'm somewhere in the middle, when it comes to being Holli.  You'll hear me say again and again that I won't risk social stability just to pursue the hedonistic lifestyle of a transgendered debutante, but the choice comes with a burden. I try not to upset the lifestyle I've chosen to preserve, yet obliviously hold out hope for finding myself in the happy swirl of girlie euphoria, which I can only imagine must exist out there somewhere.  For instance, I've been daydreaming a little list of all the things I wish I could experience en femme, but are as accessible as the moon and stars.  I'll start on the "Not So Unrealistic" end of the spectrum, and progress toward "Maybe If You Had A Million Dollars."

9. Hair

This one starts at the top because, well, I actually have outstanding hair!  It's dark blonde, shoulder length, and straight.  It tucks behind one ear in the cutest way, and waves gently as it falls, giving the meek suggestion of natural curl when it rolls past my neck, as if begging to be done up in rollers.  From here we see the root (ha!) of my hair issues - I can't ever do anything with it besides have it washed.  Granted, I can experiment with hair ties, head bands, clips & assorted scrunchies, but sadly I boast no ability to braid my own locks, may never experience the luxury of surrendering to a professional stylist, and probably won't ever get around to experimenting with bangs, perms, or hair color (I've wondered how I might look as a redhead).  I imagine it's very hard to explain to coworkers why you chose to go with auburn highlights and sport twin ponytails in playful red-and-white polka dot hair twists.  (Although obviously I would be wearing them to go with my outfit, duh.)

8. Nails

Anyone can grow their nails out.  Anyone can even file them into innocuous, petite little edges, if they take time to master the ancient tools known as Clippers and File.  You can even gloss 'em in clear polish.  People probably won't notice.  Except for women. Women will definitely notice, actually.  So never mind about being able to keep a set of classy kitten claws, much less polish them, if I don't want to draw curious looks.  As a modern closeted CD, I can dare myself to buy a few bottles of splashy color at the local Target, but giving myself a nice nail finish only to have to rub it all off at the end of an "open closet" session is such a senseless waste.  I've never had more than two days to enjoy a set of fresh, shiny red nails.  It's too much work for too little reward.  Like working retail.

7. Makeup

This one falls in line with what I lament about #8.  Putting on makeup for the space of a few hours just for the sake of "being as girly as I wanna" is simply deflating when you go to take it off, thinking of how long you spent trying to make it look just right.  Makeup serves multiple purposes, not the least of which for CDs is to pass as their feminine selves in public.  Get it?  In public.  It's a terrible catch 22:  When women put on makeup before leaving the house, they're accentuating their features to make a good impression; stay-at-home cross-dressers, though they want to emulate women, can't get past the front door.  And even if I choose to settle for private self-makeovers, there's not enough time in my schedule to justify paying the big bucks for a set of makeup that'll just dry up between glamour sessions.  Anyway, I'm such an amateur when it comes to makeup I shouldn't leave the house without professional assistance.

6. Hairless Bod

It goes without saying, being married challenges most of the freedoms I enjoy in terms of transgender activities, but one of the biggest perks of marital partnership - sex - tends to dictate the rules more than any other.  Erica doesn't want to rub up against another pair of silky smooth legs under the covers.  Therefore, I'm expressly not permitted to shave down from ears to ankles lest I suffer a prolonged bout of abstinence.  Since I'm not a very hairy person, I'm not unaware that it could be worse.  Still...know what I hate?  Hair.  Wouldn't it be just horrible for me to accidentally fall chest deep into a vat of Nair and be defollicled for life??  (Oh, the sweet, sweet horror...)

5. Shapely Bod

It takes a short lifetime to realize that women everywhere hate their bodies.  Even the super models.  Most girls are never really satisfied (content, at best) with what they've got), and so in this respect I enjoy the self-satisfaction of sharing this trait with them.  From a personal vantage, my shoulders are a bit too wide. My calves - ugh! - are muscular, and my arms are .  Actually, in comparison to most guys, they're thin and girlish, but next to women they're too contoured.  Who knows, really, because I've never been the subject of a critique in the proper context.  Yet women don't need an outside opinion to absolutely know what's wrong with them.  Like, you couldn't convince me that my lack of hips isn't a big deal.  I just need one more inch, maybe two, but that's not where my body fat grows - stupid bones just don't JUT!  Tough luck, Miss Holli.  Counting my blessings, though, one cannot even tell at a glance if I have an Adam's apple.  Hooray for Mom's side of the gene pool!

4. Vocal Versatility

I have an okay voice.  It's not deep, it's not light.  It may well even be uninteresting.  I do notice people have the tendency to talk over me in the middle of sentences, as if I wasn't even speaking.  But then these people tend to have strong voices.  I could say things with weightier inflection, but then I'd end up being labeled "abrasive," or asked what it is I'm angry about all the time.  Also, I'd probably make myself hoarse.  Lighter it is, then.  Only I'd prefer if I could remove the thin huskiness and replace it with something a little more lilting and dulcet.  While it's true I can put my wife to sleep by the sound of my voice (not a compliment, if you're thinking it), would it be so bad if I could sound less like a phone sex operator with a head cold?  And no, I can neither afford the time nor money to take diction lessons.  ...Why?  Do you know a guy?

3. Pierced Ears

Ohhhh, would I love to have my ears pierced.  I'm so serious.  I've coveted the feminine prerogative to wear earrings since before I tried on my first pair of high heels.  I can't hold back - I'm talking, a whole chest full of different kinds of earrings I'd wear.  I love hoops.  I'm crazy for danglers.  Since I'm dreaming, give me two in each ear, one for studs and pearls, and the other for personality.  Earrings, earrings, earrings... oh, I could just scream.  But Erica says no. *sigh* But if I could, I would dive head first into Claire's.

2. Lingerie (Well, not just lingerie)

To clarify, I do possess a small set of hand-me-over lingerie (read: rescued from Erica's donation or disposal bags), and a few purchased items.  Not much to work with, but they do the job of filling out my pretend bosoms and granting me the pleasure of lounging around like a wanton princess, trapped in her tall tower but at least gifted with the advantage of luxury.  My favorite ensembles usually include the garter/stocking option.  I'm already getting flushed just writing this, because these clothes are unmistakable in their purpose. Kind of exactly the problem, actually! Why am I getting dressed for sex when there's absolutely zero sex waiting for me at the end of the process?  Don't pretend those garters aren't hard to attach.  I went to all the trouble, so why shouldn't... *ahem*  Anyway, moving on to, of course, the most sought after aspect of transcendental femininity:

1. Breasts

Before you even start in on the practicality of silicone cups or some ingenious method you read about in a TG magazine - birdseed or liquid gel or water balloons or whatever - let's put this in perspective: boobs are squishy, sensitive, heavy enough to affect your center of gravity, and non-detachable.  When I say I want breasts, I don't mean I want to emulate the feel of them.  I mean, "I wish my chest would spontaneously begin to swell with benign fatty tissue, gradually forming a new pair of amply-sized, globular parts of anatomy that require support from a specially crafted garment to prevent discomfort by providing lift and separation, and demonstrate sensitivity to cold and subtle physical contact."  Lots of women would say I'm crazy.  "They're such a pain! You don't know what it's like!"  Oh, sure, sure.  But then again, I voluntarily strap myself into a set of 4" heels for the fun of it, while the bulk of modern women's liberators denounces them for foot manglers.  I appreciate a lot of sensations that most women eschew, yet I don't experience them as often as it might take to convince me they're a burden.  I may not want to make the total, completely legal leap from male to female, but a set of melons sounds like the perfect excuse to do on a regular basis what I've been trying to accomplish for 30+ years.  I'm perfectly willing to accept a set of these particular twins into our home.  "Sorry honey... I can't return them without a receipt!"

Addendum: Genitalia
One might puzzle over why I didn't include switching out my male tackle for its female opposite. Apart from essentially requiring an act of God, it's pretty much the same as wishing to wake up tomorrow as a fully formed, fully functional woman. It's not just one thing, it's everything. Modern medical science makes this possible, of course, but it's the ultimate transformation, and I find taking that irrevocable step across the threshold just a little daunting. (Yes, even though I want it; if nothing else, at least woman's mysterious nature resides in me.)

~HCP