If I am to report faithfully on my life as a cross-dressing girlie-wannabe, I'll faithfully describe the marvelous contradictions that define me. And if I make mention of contradictions, then inevitably I'll have to blog about something that garners tremendous love & hate, regarding my kaleidoscopic sexuality. I'm so repulsed by this thing I'm even loathe to speak its name; yet I need it more than I care to admit, and I'm prone to committing acts of surrender, desperation, and even idiocy for its benefit. If you haven't realized what I'm talking about by now, I'll summon the word which is anathema to me:
Penis.
Ugh. I don't even know where to start. Just reacting to the sight of it in text form repulses me. I assure you, if my brain had bells attached to it that rang in accordance with how many scrambled emotions this subject evokes within me, I should be the Cathedral of Notre Dame. I shall explain, and to make it relevant but clean, I'll include images such as this:
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| Intentional entendre. |
I'm very attached to my genitalia. Ever since I was a child, curious of its purpose yet always taking the weird thing for granted, there has never been a problem. It's always been very useful, what with the discharging of useless, harmful waste (most often at a time of my choosing). When puberty arrived, it let me know how I could pay it back for all those years of benevolent service. And when the time came, even Erica was taken in by its charms.
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Though not enough to be enticed to wear this for me.
Or vice versa. |
For the most part, ours is a mutually beneficial relationship.
(Note - just because I'm referring to it as though it were a character doesn't mean I've bestowed upon it a unique, wholly independent persona, nor do I ever hold conversations with it. I'm simply saying it has its place, and I intend to never give it up.)
Still, it vexes me... mainly because it so readily turns on me. It harbors an awareness of how much I wish I were a woman, and over the years it has managed to turn nearly every transgendered thought that crosses my mind into an erotic suggestion. It totally digs the dual-gender lifestyle, always egging me on to push the limits of what I'm capable of to satisfy its ceaseless quest for sensual fulfillment. I deny these requests, practically daily, because I don't believe in letting such a small percentage of my nervous system do the thinking for me. If I were to let it have its way, I'd have long ago sold myself to a sex-centered identity and traded my freedom for numerous wild - albeit short-lived - pleasures. All of this considered, it probably resents me.
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| I'm including this image just to mock it. |
Despite my attraction to perversity, I'm really such a prude. Ever since the halcyon days of adolescence, my "mini-me" has been nearly starved for human contact - not because it never gets it, but because it's
insatiable! It carries the burden of belief that it's actually more important than other people seem to let on, thriving on the hope that one day someone (ideally Erica) realizes she can't get enough of it and devotes more time to its care and well-being. The bounds of reality are no match for wishful thinking.
It's a monster, I tell you. Nearly everything about my personal character that makes up my "selfish" side can be traced to this stupid, single-minded, unflattering appendage. God help me, most of the time I want everything that it wants, too.
Speaking of monsters, I must opine that it's just awful to look at. At any given time, it exists in one of three states, each perfectly pathetic: rigid, waxing, and deflated. I sometimes feel I'm the only one who thinks none of these are anything to be proud of, although the former seems to award men a sense of accomplishment. Unbelievable. To paraphrase Stephen King: Is there anything that looks as silly and out of place as a dude with a full erection? It looks more like a balloon animal than a symbol of sexual prowess.
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| The only thing more silly looking? TWO of them. Doing this. |
I should also mention that it's a terrible reminder of why it sucks to be male - like all good real estate, it lacks the three most vital qualities you need in a vulnerable hunk of anatomy: Location, Location, and Location. Not only does it seriously hamper my ability to pretend it's not there (I hate how difficult it is to tuck and
stay tucked!), but even when I'm not
en femme, it's prone to all manner of physical confrontations, against which it has no hope of defense. So thank you, Mother Nature, for a) replacing that which I most want with that which leaves me most susceptible to the elements, and b) punishing me for being born in this body... which, by the way, was
also your decision (but at least I was spared from regular menstrual cramping, so I guess we're even).
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| Everyone loses. |
I should also say that of all the male sex organs out there, mine is the least offensive... to me, at least. That is to say, I also hate every single one of yours. Seriously. I don't want any part of seeing them, hearing about them, and above all I don't want any kind of physical contact with them. I don't "do" porn, because inevitably a phallus will appear on screen, and if I were into porn then the scene introducing another guy's wood would be the LAST THING to get me in the mood, and the first thing to rob me of satisfaction.
That said, I recognize that the phallus is one of the favorite components of the "feminine actuality" fantasy among the more libidinous members of the crossdreaming community. There's no denying that the penis is popular among a whole lot of us. Fellatio is often employed as a grand symbol of womanhood, or even anal penetration, in subservience to a dominant partner or controller. Whether or not any of us would actually do such a thing, it's nonetheless a popular fantasy. Personally, I can see how the submissive factor in this scenario is somewhat appealing, but the legendary "quivering member" doesn't enhance my fascination with being a woman to this degree. While I
might fantasize about being required to grant an intrusive object access into my person, if the object in question is purplish, veiny and loosely wrapped in wrinkly skin, then I should rather eat hissing cockroaches than allow it to make berth in any orifice of mine.
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| I just killed your stiffy, didn't I? |
Before I wrap this up, I have one more complaint, and this takes issue with the word itself...
Penis. Bleah.
What a stupid sounding word. As far as I'm concerned, those letters were strung together to keep people from taking their sexuality seriously. It's a ridiculous word to say. It may well contribute to self-esteem issues. And... and... it only rhymes with Venus. (Sorry, I have this thing about listing things in threes and I was reaching.) And speaking of my favorite gender, could we get a different term other than "vagina?" Seriously. If I'd never heard the name before, this might almost make me scared to meet one... say, on a dark road winding through the forest at midnight. "Bewaaaare the VAGINA, foolish traveler!" [cue ominous howling]
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| grrrr...! |
*sigh* Anyway, in summary: I hate the penis, in name, concept, and appearance. Yours. Mine. Genitals overall, really. Unless they're being taken advantage of in their proper context: in the dark.
~HCP
At any rate - Good news! Last week I passed up the chance to take a much-needed mental health day away from my exhausting, thankless day job, then waded through several days worth of excellent reasons why I should have run when I had the chance. All Friday, therefore, I'm collecting that personal raincheck. And I'm girling it up by my sweet lonesome.
